This isq

if ya really want to know..
here is where I'm at. I'm going to type all proper now because I can tell this is gonna be long.

I am 21 years old, going on 22. Life is a pleasant mixture of good and bad right now. There's bad and good, yes, bad and good...The good is that I have a job that I love (and another that's okay..it's tolerable but I don't like it; not passionate about the work), I'm buying a car this week or next, I'm about to start taking classes again, and I'm about to move to lake worth very soon, which I've been dreaming of doing since I was 18. I'm finally gonna do it and that feels good. Anyway other than that my parents and I are a lot closer and I finally have an understanding of them that makes me comfortable with our relationship. There are of course flaws and in my opinion they have..quite a few. There are many things they believe in and do that I dont believe in or do, we are very different people but I learned to accept that, and now I feel an actual sense of love towards them, even my father which I never dreamed I would; my crazy fucked up dad who sometimes drives me mad but is still my father. He would die for me and thats huge. I've learned a lot of things about myself by talking to him, and I think he's learning from me..actually I know he is. Of course I'm learning about him too..not just myself. He smoked pot just as I suspected (of course my mother is probably the reason he stopped), has been in quite a few fucking fights in his day..around 20-30. Stuff like that. Shit I would've never learned if I had just moved away from south florida and left this all behind. As much as I am savoring the day that I move I'm so happy to be here because I have my life here. My family. I'm finally seeing my grandma again and she's funny as hell. She lives directly on flager on the sixteenth floor of an elderly residence. She pays 200 a month and has the most incredible view of the ocean and downtown west palm beach. She's right by the fountains and I have a whole lot of memories in that area, so it's interesting to visit her now and look out the window..it's like....its weird dawg. Lookin out at all that emotion and memories and crazy shit that happened, beautiful shit, bad shit, whatnot and whatnot. As much as I hate this city I love it all the same.

Another really important thing that has been on the back of my mind for a while now is that I'm really cut out for the veterinarian field, so that gives me a reason to actually WANT to be in school. I thought I wanted to go to school for music but that was just a fantasy. I definitely love making and listening to music and always will but I'm naturally good with animals and pick up on medical knowledge extremely fast. These are two things Ive kind of known my whole life and it's a good feeling to put it all together and understand I do have a purpose in this short existence on earth. I dont know where I want to practice but I know I eventually want my own business that doesnt dick people over on money. I dont know what else I want to be doing in life or will be doing because you cant just do one thing, but I know part of my career path. I dont think I'm only going to be doing that because I'm something of a "renaissance man" which makes me feel really gay to say, but its true. My shit is multifaceted and thats for sure. lol that sounds like a quote from max, i hope that if somebody reads this which I know no one does, they will realize I wasnt being serious when I typed that. Also another good thing that is important but just kind of..well...its sort of related to all the good things happening is that I'm..for the first time in some years, actually learning a lot about myself and getting over mental blockages that have caused me a lot of problems over the years. I have had some very dark times and I know it's not the last of them but atleast now...there's something of..an understanding of it. I'm emotionally maturing and it feels incredible because, although I know that I'm really 18 in mindset..maybe 19, I'm growing. I feel a lot of youth coming back to me and its crazy weird. It's not a temporary thing either I would say this has been going on for, at the most three to five months. It began back then but slowly picked up momentum. It feels really good to cut out all the bullshit when you've filled so much of your life with it. OH! Also...I have a netflix account which is fucking awesome. Actually, its not my account its my friends, but he gave me his account and password so I can watch movies online and shit for free..Actually I think I'm about to.

Other than that there's the bad, and there's definitely some bad. I completely fucked up my a relationship when I was at a time that I was realizing I wanted to be with this girl for a long time to come, aka eventually marry and either adopt or have a kid with..which sounds totally crazy now because I havent been with them for months, and so that just doesnt sound or feel right anymore, it feels distant and..fading? I had to give that up because my shitty behavior landed me there. All the times that I was an asshole and acted a certain way or did something stupid. It was a build-up of me being a jerk especially over certain periods over a two year relationship, along with some really dumb decisions like punching her in the arm after telling her not to touch me o r something retarded like that..which was the stupidest fucking thing I think I did in the time we were together..still cant believe it happened, and restraining her. All things that I should get beat up for and if it ever happens then oh well I had it coming.

Luckily it's been long enough that I dont think about her lack of being here often, but it definitely comes up in my mind when something or someone reminds me of her. Then I feel bad, maybe good for a second if its a good memory, and then...I dont know..I just kill the thought and feel like..okay I got what I deserved so yeah..I need to move on completely which has not been easy to tell the truth. I think I'm almost there..it'll take another couple of months to fully get past it. I'm already doing much better and not feeling the constant emotional pain, lack of sleep, lack of interest in anything, constantly sore body parts especially my back and neck, lack of breathing which I eventually noticed (i wasn't really breathing much..like..my chest stayed very...tight, probably just from tension or heartache) depression, guilt and self-hatred to be honest. I dont like to admit that because now that that tough phase is over it feels really pathetic to think about it, but it was necessary. The only thing that gave me solace was that I did this to myself by not realizing what I was doing when I was doing it, and driving someone completely away. So I have to admit to myself that I made a huge mistake and move on..but never forget what happened. Another bad thing is..well..I need more money. I'm about to spend it all on a car, which is totally needed, but unfortunate all the same. I wish bikes went five hundred miles per hour. It's 2009, we were supposed to have flying cars by now, the least they could do is engineer a bike that travels incredibly fast. Also! Another bad thing is there are a lot of people around me right now that are very depressed and I feel for them. I dont know, I just want to shake them and say look at the bigger picture..I know its hard but it'll make you feel better to understand these things on a more..hm..broader scope. Last bad thing is my dad is weaning off his depression medication along with ALL the other medications he was on which I am extremely happy about, but he is getting headaches all the time and isn't exactly easy to talk to when I do. Also I worry about my parents health at times and my dogs about to die. Uhm other than those things, which I dont really want to think about...but unfortunately I already am...There isnt much else to say.

Now I will talk about my day. Dawg.

RIght now I'm typing this with a pretty bad headache myself. Thats the reason I'm updating this, because I feel the desire to write, but I hate writing on paper when my head is throbbing. I only ever use this shit when I'm unmotivated to REALLY write..cause typing just doesnt feel the same and I end up doing a lot of verbal diarrhea when I type..because I type over a hundred words a minute and it allows my mind to..completely fucking..unleash. I dont have to think at all about what I"m typing it just sorta comes out. I dont like that. Writing is so much more..I dont know. Satisfying, productive, all these things. I actually think about what I feel and write what I feel and when I go back and read it I can see how I felt not only in my words, but in how I wrote and everything. Plus I can make cool drawings on the side and draw surfer s' and volcom logos. But other than that yeah. Last night and today were weird and mythical. I met some dude over at respectables and it turned out to be the drummer for surfer blood. He was nice and very enthusiastic about starting a band, which means Noah and I are set. We have been trying to find a decent drummer for a little while now, and plus, they have a practice space which I Think we can use. I'm pretty sure atleast, because I know they have a practice space and this guy was real enthusiastic about playing..he gave me his number and said something weird like "we're gonna be in a band guyz" I dont quite remember. Also the bartender from propaganda who said I was cute more than once, which initially made me slightly attracted to her (funny how you wont feel a thing for somebody yet if they say they like you or think you're attractive, it automatically ups your attraction towards them until of course what I'm about to say next) was completely uninteresting to me; I mean seriously who listens to fucking screeching weasel at 21 years old..but her friend was okay. I wouldn't mind talking to her more..I could tell she wasnt diggin the constant bar hopping and lame crowds, so we had something to relate to. Neither of them had any romantic potential because I mean..one of them likes screeching weasel and shit, and the other..the one I actually enjoyed talking to, was 28 with a ten year old son plus..just wasnt my type, but I could see myself being b friends with her. B friends by the way are not best friends, those are a friends, but friends that are like good acquaintances. You correspond once in a while, and always talk to eachother for a minute when you see eachother, but never take it farther than that. Yes she could be a B friend. Anyway......y.y.aa.a.a Uhmmm, what else..saw robert at harry's that was pretty great. As usual he's up to fuckin nothing, but he's still funny. He doesnt change at all..just his hair and his wardrobe. I wish he would smoke less pot because he's definitely approaching burnout territory from what I deduced from our 10 minutes conversation. Work was good. Got a fat paycheck and met some new kids. Lost the b-ball game which was a disappointment but with my hangover I didn't care nor try to win that hard. Oh well I was fuckin on fire last time dawg. BUt yooooooooooooooooo forreal. Other than that, I got cut at my other job which I had to go to after, which was fucking great. I was so incredibly tired and not about working..and fate blessed me with an eternal treat. Charlie said hey, we got too many food runners, somebody's gotta go. I was like oh my god yes, I'm taking this. Then he gave me some food and said see ya later and I clicked my heels into the sunset. Game over.

Current Music: beirut

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